When you do laugh, open your mouth wide enough for the noise to get out without squealing, throw your head back as though you were going to be shaved, hold on to your false hair with both hands and then laugh till your soul gets thoroughly rested.

Shame is the dying embers of virtue.

As a general rule, if you want to get at the truth - hear both sides and believe neither.

Contentment is a kind of moral laziness; if there wasn't anything but contentment in his world, man wouldn't be any more of a success than an angleworm is

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

It ain't no disgrace for a man to fall, but to lie there and grunt is.

Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it.