The only thing worse than opera is someone who hums along with opera.

I know that asshole you were with in college --” “Can we leave that asshole out of it?” Please, gentlemen, one asshole at a time.

He never lied to me. I just didn't ask the questions I didn't want to know the answers to.

Have I ever told you, you look like Monty Clift? he inquired in a deep, seductive voice. Before or after the accident?

He needed fresh air and sunshine. A walk in the woods and afterward a good book to read by the fire. Yeah, that was the life.

I’m never wrong? Who besides Republican presidents and evil masterminds can say that with a straight face?

I noticed you right away." She gave me an approving look. "I like quiet, polite men. And men who wear Hugo Boss. I was hoping you weren't gay. Or that you were only half-gay. Like Paul." "Uh...sorry," I said. "It's pretty much full-time now. The pay's not great, but the perks...