I'm Italian, but some people think I'm Jewish because I work the Yiddish. I also work the Italian, by the way.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

Is there such a thing as a man-made stroke? In other words, did someone do this to (Democratic Senator Tim Johnson)? ...I know what this [Republican] party is capable of.

When people heckle me, I have the microphone. And the press has the microphone.

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

You really have to know who you are. It takes, uh it's not that easy.

He's a terrorist. Rush Limbaugh is a terrorist.