I think it might be harder for a young comic because there's so much more competition. There's more people trying to do it and there are less rooms. Seriously. The way people do anything now is by getting press - some scandal. It's awful. Somebody has to go on a rooftop with a rifle and they get their own sitcom. It's disgusting.

Sorry, I didn't squat and grease myself and be naked next to Kim Lard-ashian. I mean, no matter what you do - excuse me - you can never compete with her. You can win the Nobel Peace Prize and you can't compete with Kim Lard-ashian's ass.

I was born a Love Goddess. My parents, Caesar and Joanne, always told me that I was a little Goddess and Petite Flower. I was a Petite Flower, and I had all these brothers who were always trying to boss me around. I told them, "No. You must kiss my hand or kiss my feet". That's how I became the Goddess.

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

You have to really kiss up to EVERYONE! Kiss up to anyone you think can help you. That's really the best advice I can give. You obviously have to have an act - but, maybe you don't.