My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

Sorry, I didn't squat and grease myself and be naked next to Kim Lard-ashian. I mean, no matter what you do - excuse me - you can never compete with her. You can win the Nobel Peace Prize and you can't compete with Kim Lard-ashian's ass.

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

I should have my own show by now. Yeah. How many damn sitcoms does Kelsey Grammer need? How many more stupid Housewives do they need throwing tables and limbs at each other. Yeah, I guess I need to take off my artificial leg and throw it at Vanderpump. I like doing live shows - it's just getting to them that's a hassle.Doing films is fun too ... a good film ... but there's a lot of waiting around.

My work is a mitzvah for the eyes & ears...and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change!

I would just go insane in a public school. I don't have enough clothes.You have to be Heidi Klum to go to public school now. It's crazy. I feel sorry for these kids, not to mention that the new Secretary Of Education, Betsy DeVos, is against education.