I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

Love Goddess in training. It could happen.

I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

Sorry, I didn't squat and grease myself and be naked next to Kim Lard-ashian. I mean, no matter what you do - excuse me - you can never compete with her. You can win the Nobel Peace Prize and you can't compete with Kim Lard-ashian's ass.

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.