I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

I was born a Love Goddess. My parents, Caesar and Joanne, always told me that I was a little Goddess and Petite Flower. I was a Petite Flower, and I had all these brothers who were always trying to boss me around. I told them, "No. You must kiss my hand or kiss my feet". That's how I became the Goddess.

My work is a mitzvah for the eyes & ears...and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change!

I think it might be harder for a young comic because there's so much more competition. There's more people trying to do it and there are less rooms. Seriously. The way people do anything now is by getting press - some scandal. It's awful. Somebody has to go on a rooftop with a rifle and they get their own sitcom. It's disgusting.

You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.