You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

My work is a mitzvah for the eyes & ears...and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change!

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

I think it might be harder for a young comic because there's so much more competition. There's more people trying to do it and there are less rooms. Seriously. The way people do anything now is by getting press - some scandal. It's awful. Somebody has to go on a rooftop with a rifle and they get their own sitcom. It's disgusting.

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

Love Goddess in training. It could happen.