I'm husband hunting. Now, I know all the men are going to be gay but at this point, I need a new gay husband. Or, a new lesbian assistant. If you want something done, tell a lesbian and the she'll chop down a tree. Something like that.

Sorry, I didn't squat and grease myself and be naked next to Kim Lard-ashian. I mean, no matter what you do - excuse me - you can never compete with her. You can win the Nobel Peace Prize and you can't compete with Kim Lard-ashian's ass.

I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.

I was nominated for two Grammy's, but ... more importantly, I like it when I get a letter from someone ... a person that I've affected their lives or I've helped them. That's important to me. Someone will say "I was feeling bad and you helped me".

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

I should have my own show by now. Yeah. How many damn sitcoms does Kelsey Grammer need? How many more stupid Housewives do they need throwing tables and limbs at each other. Yeah, I guess I need to take off my artificial leg and throw it at Vanderpump. I like doing live shows - it's just getting to them that's a hassle.Doing films is fun too ... a good film ... but there's a lot of waiting around.

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"