I'm husband hunting. Now, I know all the men are going to be gay but at this point, I need a new gay husband. Or, a new lesbian assistant. If you want something done, tell a lesbian and the she'll chop down a tree. Something like that.

Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

I would just go insane in a public school. I don't have enough clothes.You have to be Heidi Klum to go to public school now. It's crazy. I feel sorry for these kids, not to mention that the new Secretary Of Education, Betsy DeVos, is against education.