I, as you may know, am no stranger to the organic courgette, but I still cannot work out who these gay footballers are.

I knew that this was what I wanted to talk about on stage. There was no point being coy about it, or pretending that I wasn't gay. That was the substance of my whole act. If you took that away, there would be nothing left

A lot of gay men have a lot of sex. That's what we do. But I've stopped all that-the revolving door into my bedroom. Promiscuity. That was of its day, really.

I didn't think of myself as a tart, but I wouldn't argue with anyone who did

I get just as much of a thrill out of constructing a good sentence that gets a laugh at the end as I do from a joke

I am full of gratitude for my life - and for this house.

Rodents can come across as being quite vacant in the personality stakes