I, as you may know, am no stranger to the organic courgette, but I still cannot work out who these gay footballers are.

However light-hearted you try to be about it, the loss of youth, and everything that goes with it, is quite a trauma.

My dresser and I have the hots for the new rugby ace Danny Cipriani. We have a shrine in my dressing room - press photos of him on the field looking swarthy and fit, and snaps of our boy emerging from Mayfair nightclubs, looking sexy and dishevelled.

I, as you may know, am no stranger to the organic courgette, but I still cannot work out who these gay footballers are.

I am full of gratitude for my life - and for this house.

I knew that this was what I wanted to talk about on stage. There was no point being coy about it, or pretending that I wasn't gay. That was the substance of my whole act. If you took that away, there would be nothing left

The whole business of getting famous was good fun, but it was a long time ago.