My dresser and I have the hots for the new rugby ace Danny Cipriani. We have a shrine in my dressing room - press photos of him on the field looking swarthy and fit, and snaps of our boy emerging from Mayfair nightclubs, looking sexy and dishevelled.

I was lightweight - that was the whole point of me

I think Australians like a bit of vulgarity

I didn't think of myself as a tart, but I wouldn't argue with anyone who did

However light-hearted you try to be about it, the loss of youth, and everything that goes with it, is quite a trauma.

The good thing about getting older is that, as you become less attractive, so you have less desire to go out and conquer everyone you see

I, as you may know, am no stranger to the organic courgette, but I still cannot work out who these gay footballers are.