My dresser and I have the hots for the new rugby ace Danny Cipriani. We have a shrine in my dressing room - press photos of him on the field looking swarthy and fit, and snaps of our boy emerging from Mayfair nightclubs, looking sexy and dishevelled.

I've found a more personal, pagan kind of religion to satisfy the spiritual side of things.

Just because someone's dead doesn't mean it's over. My grandfather died more than 25 years ago, but I still think of him a lot and smell his smell.

The English like eccentrics. They just don't like them living next door.

The bullying was hideous and relentless, and we turned it round by making ourselves celebrities.

I thought a dignified thing to do would be to live in the country by the time I'm 50 and write books

I get just as much of a thrill out of constructing a good sentence that gets a laugh at the end as I do from a joke