One Christmas build-up tradition, however, has totally bypassed me - that of going up to town and doing a show.

Being a monarchist, and fawning over those 'above' you, you must naturally despise those 'below' or on the same socioeconomic level as yourself, because that is how hierarchy worship works.

Blakes Hotel in South Kensington was a particular favourite of mine during what I affectionately think of as my Restless Years.

It's received wisdom that the English are uniquely child-unfriendly.

As a kid, I grew to define what I didn't want my life to be like by sitting behind moaning women on the bus, hearing them bang on about their aches and pains, both real and imagined.

Only those who haven't got the wit to speak for themselves would ever want their clothes to do it for them.

If you want sex, have an affair. If you want a relationship, buy a dog.