When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.

On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts “It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing…. Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.