I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.

I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.