Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. I say, 'He's dead. Good.'

[On cloning sheep:] Oh great, just what we need - more sheep.

A friend of mine said, no matter what I do I always look like an English teacher. She actually said, you still look like a Campbell's Soup kid.

I want to host a religious show. I'm sure nobody will be wanting the 11 o'clock spot on Sunday morning. I think we should really get some of our own preachers and preach that gay is good. And we'd have a great choir.

Lesbians are likely to be drawn to stand-up, if only because it's cheaper to produce and therefore more accessible for women. But the very form of stand-up is masculine.

What goes for sex goes double for politics.

Teaching is performance art.