I cannot for the life of me see why the umpires, the only two people on a cricket field who are not going to get grass stains on their knees, are the only two people allowed to wear dark trousers.

I blame Rousseau, myself. "Man is born free", indeed. Man is not born free, he is born attached to his mother by a cord and is not capable of looking after himself for at least seven years (seventy in some cases).

It beats me how Freud could say "What do women want?" as if we all must want the same thing.

The disease is painless; it's the cure that hurts.

Being young is not having any money; being young is not minding not having any money.

The case against censoring anything is absolute: ... nothing that could be censored can be so bad in its effects, in the long run, as censorship itself.

The main purpose of children's parties is to remind you that there are children more awful than your own.