Children and zip fasteners do not respond to force ... except occasionally.

I wouldn't say when you've seen one Western you've seen the lot; but when you've seen the lot you get the feeling you've seen one.

It's a pity more men are not bastards by birth instead of vocation.

It might be marvelous to be a man - then I could stop worrying about what's fair to women and just cheerfully assume I was superior, and that they had all been born to iron my shirts. Better still, I could be an Irish man - then I would have all the privileges of being male without giving up the right to be wayward, temperamental and an appealing minority.

Have you ever taken anything out of the clothes basket because it had become, relatively, the cleaner thing?

The main purpose of children's parties is to remind you that there are children more awful than your own.

[On Malcolm Muggeridge:] He thinks he was knocked off his horse by God, like St. Paul on the road to Damascus. His critics think he simply fell off it from old age.