In hell they will bore you, in heaven you will bore them.

I wouldn't say when you've seen one Western you've seen the lot; but when you've seen the lot you get the feeling you've seen one.

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.

I am all for people having their heart in the right place; but the right place for a heart is not inside the head.

The main purpose of children's parties is to remind you that there are children more awful than your own.

It might be marvelous to be a man - then I could stop worrying about what's fair to women and just cheerfully assume I was superior, and that they had all been born to iron my shirts. Better still, I could be an Irish man - then I would have all the privileges of being male without giving up the right to be wayward, temperamental and an appealing minority.

I cannot for the life of me see why the umpires, the only two people on a cricket field who are not going to get grass stains on their knees, are the only two people allowed to wear dark trousers.