All comedy comes from a dark place.

Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.

Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

The past is something for you to learn from and the future is something that you hope is going to happen, but I'm always speaking to my actual fans in present tense.

I apologize for the fact that the word ‘anti-Mexican’ is being said to a black guy in America.

Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.