Women's clutches are too small. I open my purse, and with some hydraulic force, a tampon shoots 12 feet into the air.

I think children are like pancakes. You sort of ruin the first one, and you get better at it the second time around.

When I'm at work, I'm remembering what I forgot to do for the kids, and when I'm with the kids, I'm remembering what I forgot to do at work.

If you're a waiter and you're waiting on me, you might get five percent, you might get seventy percent. It depends on how bad my math skills are that day.

Sleeping is not something I do a lot of.

If there's cheesecake in the house, I'll have some.

Woo-hoo! I'm 40. I can say that now.