Women's clutches are too small. I open my purse, and with some hydraulic force, a tampon shoots 12 feet into the air.

I'd rather not have a moment when I'm known for my looks; being funny and interesting lasts longer.

If you're a waiter and you're waiting on me, you might get five percent, you might get seventy percent. It depends on how bad my math skills are that day.

Sleeping is not something I do a lot of.

If I feel any sort of emotional upheaval, I go for a jog and I feel better.

I think children are like pancakes. You sort of ruin the first one, and you get better at it the second time around.

I think I have a disease called spontaneous disclosure. I need to tell everyone my life story instantaneously.