I think children are like pancakes. You sort of ruin the first one, and you get better at it the second time around.

Women's clutches are too small. I open my purse, and with some hydraulic force, a tampon shoots 12 feet into the air.

If you're a waiter and you're waiting on me, you might get five percent, you might get seventy percent. It depends on how bad my math skills are that day.

Woo-hoo! I'm 40. I can say that now.

I think I have a disease called spontaneous disclosure. I need to tell everyone my life story instantaneously.

I'm not a prettier everywoman. I am an everywoman that they clean up awfully well for T.V.

I read that book How to Hug a Porcupine [by Julie Ross] - it's my parenting bible. They say you have to trust your children and give them freedom. I say, OK, but this is New York City!