I've been living alone for so long, everything about me’s private. I’m surprised anyone’s able to understand a word I say.

The New York Daily News suggested that my biggest war crime was not killing myself like a gentleman. Presumably Hitler was a gentleman.

Those who live by electronics die by electronics. Sic semper tyrannis.

When a man becomes a writer, I think he takes on a sacred obligation to produce beauty and enlighenment and comfort at top speed

Jokes have to be quite naked to be understood. They have to be quite simple.

People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say.

What the Gospels actually said was: don't kill anyone until you are absolutely sure they aren't well connected.