Man is vile, and man makes nothing worth making, knows nothing worth knowing.

Some persons seem to like you, and others seem to hate you, and you must wonder why. They are simply liking machines and hating machines.

Thank God for novelists. Thank God there are people willing to write everything down. Otherwise, so much would be forgotten.

I saw the destruction of Dresden. I saw the city before and then came out of an air-raid shelter and saw it afterward, and certainly one response was laughter. God knows, that's the soul seeking some relief.

The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.

I realize that some of you may have come in hopes of hearing tips on how to become a professional writer. I say to you, "If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts. But do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites, standing for absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.

All the great story lines are great practical jokes that people fall for over and over again.