I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.

I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.

Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.

I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to myself as a writer. I'm a columnist, maybe a journalist, I guess I'm an author, but writer... no. That's not up to me to call myself, that's rather lofty. It's for the reader to decide.

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.