I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.

I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.

Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.

I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories and run off at the mouth. I'm a big tangent person.

I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to myself as a writer. I'm a columnist, maybe a journalist, I guess I'm an author, but writer... no. That's not up to me to call myself, that's rather lofty. It's for the reader to decide.