I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to myself as a writer. I'm a columnist, maybe a journalist, I guess I'm an author, but writer... no. That's not up to me to call myself, that's rather lofty. It's for the reader to decide.

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them.

I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.