I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

You're fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make him fear your shimmy! Now, goddamnit, show me your war shimmy!

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching--and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.

I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories and run off at the mouth. I'm a big tangent person.

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.