Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to myself as a writer. I'm a columnist, maybe a journalist, I guess I'm an author, but writer... no. That's not up to me to call myself, that's rather lofty. It's for the reader to decide.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.

I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

Small towns are sometimes like that; familiarity runs high, while regard for personal space is low, if nonexistent.

I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.