Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.

I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them.

I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.

You're fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make him fear your shimmy! Now, goddamnit, show me your war shimmy!

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.