I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories and run off at the mouth. I'm a big tangent person.

If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.

Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.

I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to myself as a writer. I'm a columnist, maybe a journalist, I guess I'm an author, but writer... no. That's not up to me to call myself, that's rather lofty. It's for the reader to decide.

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching--and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

Small towns are sometimes like that; familiarity runs high, while regard for personal space is low, if nonexistent.