I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching--and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.

Small towns are sometimes like that; familiarity runs high, while regard for personal space is low, if nonexistent.

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.