I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.

Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching--and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.

I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to myself as a writer. I'm a columnist, maybe a journalist, I guess I'm an author, but writer... no. That's not up to me to call myself, that's rather lofty. It's for the reader to decide.

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.