I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.

I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to myself as a writer. I'm a columnist, maybe a journalist, I guess I'm an author, but writer... no. That's not up to me to call myself, that's rather lofty. It's for the reader to decide.

You're fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make him fear your shimmy! Now, goddamnit, show me your war shimmy!

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.

If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.

Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.