Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.

I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching--and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.

You're fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make him fear your shimmy! Now, goddamnit, show me your war shimmy!

I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.