If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.

Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them.

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching--and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.

I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories and run off at the mouth. I'm a big tangent person.