Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.

My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed to kill anything.

I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching--and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.