At a brunch potluck, I realize that I do, in fact, hate everybody.

Basically my new litmus test for people is, do they make me hear about a blow job they gave in the first ten minutes of us talking? And if they didn't then I can feel excited.

Throughout the day I often ask myself, Could I fall asleep right now? and the answer is always a resounding yes.

Every time I start feeling sexy I trip.

It would probably be too easy a cop out to say that just Republican males hate me. Though there's a large swath of them, for sure.

Women saying "I'm not a feminist" is my greatest pet peeve. Do you believe that women should be paid the same for doing the same jobs? Do you believe that women should be allowed to leave the house? Do you think that women and men both deserve equal rights? Great, then you're a feminist.

Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.