You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it's really just - I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn't help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that's not a good way to learn.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.