My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.

If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

I really wanted to talk about the War on Terror and say that both sides were completely incompetent [in addressing it]. You can't blame the other side when you're involved in it.

People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.

In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes