In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.

When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.