I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.