I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.

If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

Everybody's got cable.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.