As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.