When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.

My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions. It's really cool.

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!