The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!