Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.