Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.