The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

I bought a box of animal crackers, but there was nothing inside. They'd eaten each other.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.