We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

When I am happy I feel like crying, but when I am sad I don’t feel like laughing. I think it is better to be happy; then you get two feelings for the price of one.

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.

I guess that's one of the reasons that you do it - work all the time - because it's sort of a high to find something that really works.

If beauty is truth, why don't women go to the library to have their hair done?

Did you know, in the entire universe, we are the only intelligent life forms thought to have a Miss Universe contest?

We're giving jobs to people who would otherwise be out of work if we weren't exploiting cheap labor.