Race doesn't mean what it used to in America anymore. It just doesn't. Obama's black, but he's not black the way people used to define that. Is black your experience or the color of your skin? My experience is as a Mexican immigrant, more so than someone like George Lopez. He's from California. But he'll be treated as an immigrant. I am an outsider. My abuelita, my grandmother, didn't speak English. My whole family on my dad's side is in Mexico. I won't ever be called that or treated that way, but it was my experience.

I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get.

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.

Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Just, because also - also - it lights up your big dumb face.

Maybe God is an asshole...of course not, he's not an asshole, he's imaginary.

I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am.