Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.

When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.

I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.

My show is sort of a short-film anthology, and I'm able to tell little stories that don't necessarily carry a whole episode in terms of narrative. I like the audience not being sure what they're getting. I think it's more fun to watch something when you're discovering it as you go along.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.