Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!

I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am.

If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em ... even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

You can't answer a kid's question. A kid never accepts any answer. A kid never says, 'Oh, thanks. I get it.'... They just keep coming with more questions - why, why, why? - until you don't even know who the fk you are anymore at the end of the conversation. It's an insane deconstruction.

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.