I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.