The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access tv station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.

I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.