One time, I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I was with a friend who said to me, You just littered on the street! Don't you care about the environment? And I thought about it, and I said, You know what? This isn't the environment. This is New York City. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. Next to Mexico City, it's the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smokin', stinkin' piece of litter.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.

Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.