I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.

You have to do a show as honestly as you can. But you also can't afford skepticism, because it's preparing for failure, which is useless.

A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.