You know when you see a mother someplace just melting down on her kid? She's like, 'Shut up, I hate you, you're ugly!'... Any parents there are thinking, 'What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman? That poor woman. I wish I could help.'
I'm not raising the children, I'm raising the grown ups that they're going to be.
I love comedians. They're my community.
Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.
I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.