Hello, my sister, Libby, also your daughter, is snogging a potato in my bed. What are you going to do about it?' Dad started yelling uncontrollably. I wonder if he is having the male menopause? If he starts growing breasts, I will definitely be running away with the Circus.

I like the idea that I can talk to any teenage girls. You know, in a language that makes sense to them.

I wanted to kill her and make her eat her fringe. And her knickers.

He said, "Hi, gorgeous," which I think is nice. I admire honesty.

I could have quite literally snogged until the cows came home. And when they came home I would have shouted, "WHAT HAVE YOU COWS COME HOME FOR? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M SNOGGING, YOU STUPID HERBIVORES???

Watching TV mum said," Do you miss your dad?" And I said," Who?

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.